Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
