Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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