Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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