If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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