You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
