what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Life is so much better after having sex.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
