my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
