Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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