Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
