You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
