I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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