Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
