I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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