I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
