I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
