Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
