I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
