i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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