Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
