he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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