I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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