I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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