I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
