1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
