having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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