The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
