Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
