Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
