May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
