I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
