remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
