omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
