I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
