I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
