Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
