I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
