Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
