Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
