Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
