I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
