Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
