when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
