my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
