i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
