I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
