Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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