did you get engaged???
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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