oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
