How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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