I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
His nipple licking is glorious
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