So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
