So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
