I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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